We are using this to solicit Possible Tech Team Members and a Tech Co-Founders. We are looking for anything we can add or delete to increase the response rate. As always thank all of you for the valuable feedback!
"Hello XXXXXXX, Our stellar team is building a world class app that is attracting many investors. We are currently looking for above average technical experts to join our team. If interested contact ASAP. Must be a mission & value driven individual with a change the world for better attitude! BFF
I agree with all the people saying that if they received this message, they'd think, "why the hell should I care?" You need to explain what the mission is -- you want people who will be excited about what impact this work will have in the world, for real people. (Also, if you can't explain that, or couch it in "our target market is $XB " or "millions of people like X", you've lost people who will give a damn.)
Another point is that you should get someone to proofread the damn thing. Grammatical errors are a red flag. Now, I want you to check your emotional reaction to reading that. If it's "well, I shouldn't be expected to know all that, as it's not my focus or field", realize that that will come across to others as how you'll run the company -- not caring for details, or bigfooting over people who have domain expertise, or not bringing in people who have relevant expertise. All of which lead to bad things.
Also, attracting investors is irrelevant, to be honest. Everyone attracts investors. And what are you trying to demonstrate with that? If you want to show that you will be an ongoing concern, that means money in the bank.
And what is a "world-class app" (note the proper use of "world-class")? What are you hoping to build? What problems are you trying to solve? If you have researched and demonstrated outcomes in an app that, say, reduces the incidence of diabetes in children, I'd be interested. If your app sells ads while showing unsolicited bikini spy shots, not interested at all.
Cold emails have to get right to the point.
Be sincere and kill the adjectives if you want to push your signal through the noise. Of course you're stellar and the app you're building is world blass. And naturally, you want tech experts who are above average and are driven by values.
What's attracting the attention of all those investors? Your technical co-founder is an investor. You've given yourself a 300-word limit. Distill the ROI.
Finally, reconsider your objective. Wouldn't you rather have quality than quantity? You're looking for a pivotal role, not prospective customers.
Tell the story of your business. Infect your future technical co-founder with its idea. Good luck!
A few points:
You need to provide info on the industry vertical, the proposed app platform (android/iOS, cloud based or native)
Do you HAVE outside investors, or are you just attracting them? Provide some insight into your traction as a business and runway.
We're looking for a personable and effective technical lead to join our growing (Angel/VC) backed team developing a native Android app for the (logistics). Competitive compensation, including equity/, for the right individual. Our team is based in (location) and this position (requires an onsite presence/can be filled remotely).
In addition to the other comments, "above average" seems insulting.
It's good that you didn't write "rock star" or "ninja" but do you really want folks who are attracted to "above average" co-workers?
One important part of a job description is discouraging people who you don't want. Does "must be a mission and value driven individual" do that? (Everyone has a mission and values. What kind of mission and values are you looking for? Also, why do they actually matter? For example, do you think that you can pay people less if they believe in your mission?)
Also, what's "BFF"?
You mentioned that this is a "cold" e-mail. Do you know anything relevant about the recipients? If so, perhaps you should mention to the recipient why you sent it to him/her. If not....
Our expansion have warranted us to contact you to be in our team in your locality. An hour weekly with a rewarding incentive from our company when you accept our offer of being our intermediary in your locality. We shall give you more update upon your request. Email me for more details.email(firstname.lastname@example.org)ly yang.